5 Reasons to start following the English Premier League

This weekend kicks off the new season of the Barclays English Premier League. If you're having a hard time decoding that first cryptic message, don't worry; I got you covered. The EPL is the best Soccer league on Planet Earth. A league of 20 teams all across England playing weekly matches that almost seem like a battle of attrition. 

A note of caution don't, under any circumstances call Soccer, soccer in front of a Brit. It's Football or Futbol. Those Brits are an ornery bunch. If you don't believe me turn on CNN right now. They'll stab you with the pointy end of a cue stick faster than you can say, "Tea Time."

Here's an endless loop of how riled up they get when you call their game soccer.

Aaaaaand here's a few reasons why now is the time to start following the World's Game. 

5. Hey stupid, the NBA is locked out

If you've been living under a rock or don't have a smartphone you probably don't know that the NBA is going through a lockout. Yeah that's right, after the league's must successful season, NBA commisioner David Stern is doing everything in his power to cancel the NBA season. 

If you're like me you're probably already tired of the street cirquit that NBA players have delved into. So unless you want to start following the NHL(another really good idea), take up that knitting class you've always wanted to try or start actually doing work at your place of employment then you might want to start following the EPL. 

Sure the NFL will hold you over from September to January but what are you going to do from Febuary to May?

4. Talk like a Brit

Ever wanted a reason to call someone a massive gay shiite like Malcolm Tucker? 

Here's your chance. If you follow the EPL you're totally allowed to talk like a Brit. I have an English cousin who've I've always wanted to phone and call a bloody wanker but I haven't had a good enough reason to do so. Till now.   

Brits have all the cool slang. For example, "Bees and Honey" actually means "Money." "Oye, oye, you got half of Liberia's deficit in your skyrocket" actually means "You got a lot of cash in your pocket. And my favorite, "Aye keep your Alan on" which is translated to, "Keep your knickers on."

No wonder these f**ks needed us to save them from Hitler. They spend all their time coming up with awesome slang.

3. And you thought Gus Johnson was good!?!

From Martin Tyler to Ian Darke to Jon Champion to Andy Gray to Ray Hudson to the Soccer Saturday guys who make the Inside the NBA crew look like the Antique Roadshow in comparison. Soccer easily has the best commentators and analysts. A good commentator can help turn a memorable play into something you use in your daily life. Don't believe me? Watch the next few videos and see if that changes your mind.

Martin Tyler and Andy Gray have an orgasm at the same time as Steven Gerrard launches a screamer from outside the box in a pivotal match. The next time you're with your girlfriend yell out, "OOOOH YA BEAUTY! WHAT A HIT SON! WHAT A HIT!" while your climaxing and look at the face she makes. 

Ian Darke celebrates Landon Donovan's famous goal against Algeria. Sir Darke isn't even speaking in full sentences in this clip and he's still kicking ass. "With a header, Howard rightfully claims it, distribution brilliant, Landon Donovan has something here for the USA, can they do it here?" I wish he could narrate my life. He'd make the most mundane tasks seem exciting. 

"Ronnie Mo, opens the fridge, messy, distribution brilliant, he might have something here, ooooooh he's found the Chocolate Milk. Ohhhh it's incredible. Certainly through."

The Brit Charles Barkley. Dude has no idea what's going on but entertaining nontheless. 

2. Crazy traditon, wacky rules

For example the bottom 4 teams each year get relegated to the second tier level. How insane is that? If we did this in the NBA, NFL and MLB the city of Cleveland wouldn't have 1 professional team. 

20 teams, weekly matches, and it seems like each week it's 1 neighborhood against the next since all these games are being played around London. 

Instead of rivalries they have Derbies which is like Michigan v Ohio State on crack. There's pub fights, chants, and genuine palpable hatred. 

Manchester City hates Manchester United. Arsenal and Tottenham's rivalry is so deep it goes back to the 1800's. Liverpool and Everton don't like that they're situated a couple blocks from each other. It's mayhem. 

If you've ever seen Green Street Hooligans you know what I mean. 

1. Best Football in the World

Listen there's only so many tokes you can take off the Hope Solo bong before you remember it's Women's Soccer. If you want to watch the World's game why not the best league in the World. Sure La Liga and Serie A have great football but the EPL is far and away above it. 

With the Euro Cup coming up and the World Cup shortly after now is the time to try and get into this beautiful game. Follow for a year or so before you try and pick a team(Try not to pick Manchester United because everyone will hate you for picking the Miami Heat of Soccer.)

Do some research and figure out who you want to root for and curse at. Me? After careful delibaration I've decided to support the Liverpool Football Club because they have great tradition, new ownership(LeBron is a part owner blah!) and they're not doing all that great right now so I won't be considered a carpet bagger. 

Liverpool supporters actually sing a rendition of "You Never Walk Alone" before every game and after every win. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1I_crD6Oqsw

How crazy are these Soccer fans? You'll never see that sorta stuff in American sports. Just another reason to start following the EPL.