College Football Season Preview

The Associated Press recently released their rankings of the Top 20 football teams in the country, and with the college season right around the corner I thought I'd give you the strengths and weaknesses of each football program and thier University.

With no playoff system and only 5 BCS games some teams will be left out which will in turn force left out University Officials, Boosters and Athletic Director to raise a stink about being passed over which will consequently lead to a week of ESPN talking heads discussing how College Football isn't broken which will finally lead me to throw things at the TV whenever it turns to ESPNU. So unless Texas Christian University is going to pay for my TV damages I suggest you stuff your mouths with as many horned frogs as possible. 

I haven't been this excited about College Gameday, Lou Holtz's lisp (say that 3 times fast), semi-quasi amateur football and more sister of the poor comments from Dr. Gordon Gee since last Autumn. Without further adieu here's the top 20 as ranked by the AP.

 

1. Oklahoma Sooners

Strengths: Sooners passing attack is so good it leads to an investigation from the NCAA. 

Weaknesses: Quarterback Landry Jones cut off his kick ass mustache.

 

2. Alabama Crimson Tide

Strengths: Head Coach Nick Saban is really good at paying his players and not getting caught.

Weaknesses: 'Bama's defense doesn't play nice with the other kids.

 

3. Oregon Ducks

Strengths: The Ducks uniforms are the best in the land at distracting the other team. 

Weaknesses: This is the year Nike CEO Phil Knight is busted for running the show at Oregon.

4. Louisiana State University Tigers

Strengths: Head Coach Les Miles is a crazy man.

Weaknesses: Head Coach Les Miles is a crazy man. 

5. Boise State Broncos

Strengths: Football team plays on a field that looks like a scene out of "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas."

Weaknesses: Can't locate Boise on a map.

6. Florida State Seminoles

Strengths: Hottest coeds in the country.

Weaknesses: FSU's logo hurts Native Americans feelings.

 

7. Stanford University

Strengths: Andrew Luck is a Top 5 QB in the NFL right now.

Weaknesses: Can Andrew Luck be too awesome? Also, worst team mascot evaaaaa!

8. Texas A&M Aggies

Strengths: White QB Ryan Tannehill is suprisingly athletic.

Weaknesses: Does anyone know what the A&M stands for?

 

 9. Oklahoma State Cowboys

Strengths: Junior WR Justin Blackmon is way better than Dez Bryant at this stage.

Weaknesses: 7 year senior QB Brandon Wheeden is like 28 which makes him older than most 5 year NFL veterans.

 

10. Nebraska Cornhuskers

Strengths: Cornhusker alum Ndamukong Suh donated $2.6 million to the Football Program which they'll use to spend on players. 

Weaknesses: New kid at the Big Ten table so they'll get hazed and picked on a lot. 

11. Wisconsin Badgers

Strengths: Stole NC State's QB Russell Wilson who is owner of the whitest name in America. 

Weaknesses: Badgers D-Line listens to too much Bon Iver.

 

12. South Carolina Gamecocks

Strengths: They call themselves the Gamecocks (that's what she said.)

Weaknesses: Head Coach Steve Spurrier has been dead since 2002.

13. Virginia Tech Hokies

Strengths: The Hokies had a lot of fun at Media Day. (CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT HOW)

Weaknesses: VTech is to Campus Safety as Michael Vick is to an adorable litter of Maltese Shitzu's.

14. Texas Christian Horned Frogs

Strengths: God is on thier side. 

Weaknesses: Football team doesn't get a lot of support in the Blue States. 

 

15. Arkansas Razorbacks

Strengths: After 8 months of hard drinking the Razorbacks are finally over their Sugar Bowl loss to the Buckeyes.

Weaknesses: 8 months of hard drinking has helped land half of the team in the Betty Ford clinic.

16. Notre Dame Fighting Irish

Strengths: Looks like the Irish are finally back to being mediocre.

Weaknesses: School still stuck in 1954. 

 

17. Michigan State Spartans

Strengths: Spectacularly bland.

Weaknesses: School is located in Michigan.

18. The Ohio State Buckeyes

Strengths: Football Program promises to not get caught breaking the rules next time.

Weaknesses: Girls on campus are as secure as hymen in the red district section of Amsterdam.

 

19. Georgia Bulldogs

Strengths: Most annoying male fans 18 years running.

Weaknesses: They don't think they can win either.

20. Mississippi State Bulldogs

Strengths: 87% of the team can spell Mississippi correctly.

Weaknesses: The other 13% percent couldn't spell it right even after copying off the 87% 

Who knows what the season holds, we just know that whoever wins the Heisman will probably have to give it back in 5 years and whatever team wins the National Championship Game will face the death penalty questions before they get off the field.

Yeah, I'm looking at you LaMichael James and Alabama.