Confessions of a DUI - #Day1

#Day1 of 4 of my experience in the Driver’s Intervention Course.  Read these posts with an open mind in hopes that you do not take the same route as we did.  If you would like to know how I got here,
read #TheIntro: http://kingsrowe.com/blog/comedy/confessions-dui-theintro

#Day1

If only you knew the recent stress that I have been dealing
with, a weekend get-a-way was exactly what I needed.  Besides, I would be staying in a peaceful
hotel room alone, enjoy catered food all weekend, and finally have time to
think about…. Me!

All packed up with my list checked twice, I head to my
resort at the Best Western Hotel in Pickerington.  35 minutes later I’m walking in to a room
filled with about 40 awkward looking adults. 
We have to set our luggage in the back of the room and find a seat.  There he was, @Dez_Arnez kept his word and
signed up for the same Driver’s Intervention Program as I did! 

The Sh*t Gets Real

I started hearing rustling in the back and noticed these
people searching our entire luggage.  It
was at that point when I realized… we had no rights here.  Big Boss Lady gets to the front of the room
and starts laying out the rules: No Phones, No guest, No Swimming, Nametags
must be worn at all times, No one is allowed in anyone else’s room, You are to
stay in the hotel at ALL TIMES. 
Damn.  Not to mention we had to be
in our rooms by 11pm each and every night. 
Big Boss Lady warned us that she would be placing a piece of tape on our
doors each night and checking in the am to make sure it is still there.  I hated her already.

 We have to fill out these assessments which will give
them an idea of how often we drink and how responsible we are.  Now
anyone who knows me, or doesn’t know me for that matter, knows I’m a
drinker.  But were they going to find
out?  Nope.  I look to my left and @Dez_Arnez must be taking
this weekend seriously, answering all the questions open and honestly.  Me, on the other hand, created an Alias for
the weekend.  “Abby” was a nondrinker who
maybe enjoyed a sip “less than once a month”. 
Shiiid.  I heard about this
program and was not about to be forced to spend another weekend at AA because
of how they feel about my extra-curricular drinking activities.

 As time started ticking, I realized we were not getting
food today.  She released us talking about
we have 5 minutes to order pizza or we’re screwed.  @Dez_Arnez and I found us a little corner to
sneak our phones out and tweet.  We
ordered pizza and before we knew it, it was bed time.  I do not know what I imagined… but this was
not it.  I return to my room only to find
I forgot to pack clothes to sleep in.  I
packed jeans and a bathing suit but nothing for the evening.  What the hell.   This
weekend sucks already. 

Let me introduce
you to a couple people in the program. 
To respect their privacy, I will not be using anyone’s real name (as if
I remembered ‘em anyways):

Big Boss Lady: 
She runs sh*t here.  Everyone
else, including @Dez_Arnez and I, are her sons. 
She is a short white old lady who intimidates the f&*k out of
everyone here.  But, she LOVES Dez.  She is the one who gave him the nickname “Val”.  I don’t say but two words to her throughout the
weekend.  I don’t like to be intimidated.

Grandpa Dream:  This old negro man is one of us.  He was there the night @Dez_Arnez got a DUI
leaving Dream, which is quite possibly the same night he got his DUI.  He is a harmless old man who has to be around
60 years old.  The night of his DUI, he
admitted to having 3 double shots.  I
mean, Dream does have the “2 for 1” jawns, so he couldn’t resist.      

Kid Wily:  This is @Dez_Arnez’s roomie throughout the
weekend.  He is the youngest cat in here
who got his OVI because he was driving high off the kush.  He’s only about 18 or 19 years old but,
according to Dez, he sh*ts like a grown ass man.  He took a huge dump to mark his territory in
their hotel room on #Day1.  He reminds me
of Clifford because he is a fairly big white boy who wore the same red shirt
every day.  Dez could not attest of him
ever showering.

The Dirty W:  I don’t know if she and Kid Wily are
related, but I don’t think she showered either. 
I made these conclusions based on how dirty her feet and flip flops were
every single day.  I mean, we were inside
all weekend.  Anyways, this chick will
probably be out drinking and driving the evening of #Day4.  She had the biggest attitude all weekend and
clearly believes she does not belong here.

“The Other Black
Guy”:  Although Grandpa Dream was
black, this guy just acted like “the other black guy”.  He would ask Black questions like, “Do ya’ll ni**as
got a quota to meet?” talking to the officer who came in to speak to us one
day.  Ok, maybe he didn’t say the
n-word.  Nevertheless, this guy wore a different
Jersey with a tall tee underneath and his grey on grey Sauconys every day.  This is his second DUI and I’m sure not his
last.

That is all for now.  In the meantime, you can enjoy some of the
tweets from #Day1:

DionteSays: 4hr 14min until they lock @dez_arnez away.
Who is gonna put some money on his books so he can buy some pizza?

YavesEllis: I wonder if my moms will be
facilitating @THAT_TwiGGa @dez_arnez class
his weekend lol

THAT_TwiGGa: Day 1: FIRST QUESTION:
"how often do you have a drink containing alcohol" MY RESPONSE:
"Never" - lmao this should be fun!

dez_arnez:
Day 1: Me and @THAT_TwiGGa don't know how we
going to make it this weekend in this program

THAT_TwiGGa: Day 1: I hate to call
someone a b*%ch but our instructor seems like a huge Betch

THAT_TwiGGa: Day 1: #SheBossy

dez_arnez:
Day 1: man all I can think about is getting a shot of henny right now

dez_arnez:
Day 1: I see one of my triple og's from the dream in this program I know this
isn't his first time

THAT_TwiGGa: #Day1 They
better give me my $8 change back for this expensive ass $500 prgm. I will use
it to buy my drink on Sunday.

THAT_TwiGGa: #Day1 Man
can u send me some flics of naked men lmao

RonnieMo: Just sent @THAT_TwiGGa a picture of my dick
since they got her under the jail.

THAT_TwiGGa: #Day1 *Places
Gummie Bear next 2 @RonnieMo's
pic of his penis* - Gummie Bear wins :(

THAT_TwiGGa: #Day1 we
don't have ANY rights. We're peasants here. Searching thru our luggage all
willy nilly.

boyaboutown: @dez_arnez @THAT_TwiGGa are you both in AA right
now?

dez_arnez:
#Day1:
we got a 10" fatback tv struggle twitpic.com/59bgua

AbdiKassim:
First the TV then you gotta do this @dez_arnez http://t.co/gFk13io 

dez_arnez:
#Day1:
my roommate just dropped a bomb in the room and got this bitch smellin like
straight dog shit

THAT_TwiGGa: #Day1 I'm
so weak Dez got a roommate!!!!! Lol I had to cough up the extra $100 for
privacy!

THAT_TwiGGa: #Day1 I
snuck my phone in!! Lol

JordianLee:
@THAT_TwiGGa lol you
gotta be stopped

dez_arnez:
#Day1: @THAT_TwiGGa forgot her sleep clothes
she told me she's sleeping naked 

dez_arnez:
#Day1:
watching the game on this 10" fatback TV and the heat looks weak