Super Bowl XLVI: Tostitos Dip, Budweiser Ads & Predictions!

It's SUPER BOWL SUNDAY! THE BIGGEST DAY OF THE YEAR for sports fans, gamblers, marketing execs, grocery stores and people who have a pulse. I am so excited I'm trying to hide a hard on. I'm talking about 6.5 inches of AMERICAN BLUE STEEL dammit! Don't get to close folks this dude is veiny and he's hissing mad! 

You know it's Super Bowl Sunday when you hit your local supermarket and housewives are fighting it out for the last bag of Tostitio's dip. By the way did you know as a Country we spend $11 Billion on Super Bowl Parties? http://gawker.com/5882239/super-bowl-parties-are-costing-us-11-billion

Jesus! That's the effing deficit right there. We could postpone the next 10 Super Bowls and pay off our debt to the Chinese in no time. Sure we'll miss the Super Bowl and the Budweiser Clydesdale commercials that come with it but it's better than learning how to speak Mandarin. Am I right or am I right?

Considering there's only a handful of players left remaining on both rosters since the last Super Bowl matchup between the Giants v Patriots I won't call it a re-match but the major principles are still here. Eli v Brady. The Hoodie v Coughlin Face. New York fans v Boston fans. 4 years ago the Giants pulled off an improble upset that ended the Patriots perfect season and sent Mercury Morris on a 12 hour coke binge on South Beach.

This time Tom Brady and Bill Belichick are playing for a shot at their 4th Super Bowl which would tie Brady with his childhood hero Joe Montana. Eli on the other hand is playing for a shot at his 2nd Super Bowl ring in an Olympic cycle and a chance at doubling up on big brother Peyton Manning. My friend @LibanAli and myself are huge Eli Manning fans. He cites his weird obsession of Eli because he's a younger brother himself. I'm not sure why I'm such an Eli fan considering I'm the big brother(take that @abdistrict!). I think I'm just a big fan of Eli's unpredictability and his underrated mobility. He's prone for 3 WTF throws in every game that make me laugh and or cover my mouth in horror. Plus the dude sounds and looks like a special needs kid. Don't ever tell me I don't give back to the community. 

SIDEBAR: This has been a point that's been thrown around for the past two weeks but I'm going to bring it up again because I can. But how does Peyton Manning feel right now? Either one of two things will happen on Sunday. His kid brother has a chance to double him in rings or Tom Brady his closest contemparory of the past decade had a chance to soldify himself as the best QB of his generation. All in the backdrop of your team's stadium weeks before they cut your ass. He's handled it pretty well but he's got to be crying himself to sleep under his duvet every night.

Now that I'm off topic can I bring up the point the NFL has been kicking ass this whole week. Super Bowl week has been a big success in Nap Town. No one has been shot and the weather has been terrific apparently. I'm not there enjoying the festivities because I think I pissed off @diontesays with my constant Patriots bashing. The NFL hosted the first ever NFL Honors ceremony last night which falls somewhere in between ESPY's and SAG Awards. They have Alec Baldwin hosting the event. Yeah because nothing says the NFL more than Alec Baldwin. *This post was submitted hours before the airing of NFL Honors so Baldwin could've been great I'm just hating just to hate here. Okay carry on.*

Can we remove, "Last team to have the ball wins the game" argument yet? First off it's lazy and too vague. What if the last team to have the ball is actually leading? What then? Or if the last team to have the ball has to score a TD and convert on a 2PAT? Plus it's an easy way of saying I don't know who's going to win. Make a pick you pussy!

Here are the three matchups that will determine the game on Sunday. 

Mario Manningham v Julian Edelman

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The Patriots have gotten away with smoke and mirrors in the secondary all season but it might cost them in the biggest game of the year. Here's how fucking good Thomas Edward Brady Jr is. He took a team that had Devin McCourty, Antwaun Molden, Sterling Moore, Sergio Brown, James Ihedgibo and Julian Edelman in the secondary. 

But how are they going to match up against Hakeem Nicks, Victor Cruz and Mario Manningham might determine who's hoisting the Lombardi Trophy at the end of the night and who's getting his Twitter account killed by angry fans.

Advantage: Giants

Giants Pass Rush v Patriots Tackles

Repeat after me. The Patriots cannot win if Brady is pressured. The Patriots cannot win if Brady is pressured. The Patriots cannot win if Brady is pressured. Throw everything else out the door because if Jason Pierre Paul, Justin Tuck, Osi Umenyiora, Mathias Kiawanuka or Dave Tollefson are able to pin their ears back and rush Tom Brady on the fast track of Lucas Oil Field then the game is over. The Giants could have their way at RT considering Nate Solder is struggling at a rookie and his backup Sebastian Vollmer has been out for two months.

How the Patriots perform on 1st Down will be key.  

Advantage: Giants

Rob Gronkowski + Aaron Hernandez v Michael Boley + Antrel Rolle + Kenny Phillips

Yo Soy Fiesta aside how huge is this Gronkowski injury. If healthy the Patriots are probably favorites but since he's nursing an ugly high ankle sprain that was given to him by Bernard Pollard(Who's now effectively settled all Patriot family business injuring Brady, Welker and now Gronk in the past couple of sesaons). Gronk's ankle has been the talk of the week ahead of whether or not Madonna will perform using her now patened British accent and above Tim Tebow who took Indianaopolis by storm when he arrived earlier this week.

Even with Gronk on a bad ankle, Aaron Hernandez is good enough to destroy the trio of Boley, Rolle and Phillips who between them have 1 brain but still Gronk's creaky ankle is a legitimate excuse for Patriot fans who'll need a built in excuse this Sunday. THANK YOU BENARD POLLARD!

Advantage: Patriots

The Patriots have a clear advantage at QB(the gap isn't as big as it was in 2007), TE and ST's. That's it. Don't underestimate the power of Zoltan Mesko!  ZOOOL TAN MEE SKO! ZOLTAN MESKO! 

The G-Men are superior at every other position on the field but maybe the ghost of Myra Kraft(let the lady rest will you Robert Kraft?) can conjure up a David Tyree type swing for the Patriots that get them the win. FUCK THAT DOG! 

We can't have Thomas Edward Brady Jr clinch the belt for Greatest QB who ever QB'd this Sunday. That's what's at stake this Sunday. If Brady wins he leaps Elway, Montana, Marino if he hasn't already and clinches the title of GOAT! We can't let this gaping pussy who wears UGGS, won the genetic lottery and rocks the Bieber cut from time to time. We can't let this guy be named GOAT! Are you kidding me?

The dude is married to a Super Model who by the way sends creepy emails to her friends coxing them to pray for her husband to be confident, healthy and strong this Sunday. Because that's what Brady needs. More people praying for him to be confident. http://www.nypost.com/p/news/national/gisele_pray_for_my_tom_sqEjWh7kObfk2SjRXQSjLL

What does it say about society if the biggest pussy who's ever played the QB position(the most grueling position in sports) is considered the GOAT!?! Not effing good! You want proof that Brady is the biggest pussy of all time!?! Here's visual proof.

Wait for it....

Waiiiiiiiiiiit for itttttttt....

OMG! YOU HUGE VAGINA! 

Now that you know what's at stake root for the Giants people!

Prediction: Giants 34 Patriots 31

Madonna has a massive heart attack during halftime. Al Micheals punches Cris Collinsworth in his beak. Eli Manning celebrates his 2nd Super Bowl with 8 Manning Face's in the winner's podium, +3.5 shots of Peyton Manning not knowing how to react in the press box, +7/5 Myra Kraft references and that annoying bitch at your Super Bowl party who keeps going on and on about how this year's Super Bowl commercials suck in contrast to last years.